A loss of control

We are not our thoughts. Discipline of the mind such as meditation controls and removes our noisy thoughts and fluid emotions so they happen abstractly, separately from the rest of our mind. When anger arises, let it pass. Though the storm blows leaves and whips rain hard against our flesh, we can lie safely instead in our home watching the storm as a separate event from our existence. Like all things made by man, this storm too shall pass. The anger or other emotions will dissolve into nothingness, the sky will clear and we will be left standing with resolve, unaffected.

Control the mind. Be not like a leaf carried haplessly with the wind. Be strong like a mountain whom the wind passes over. Learn from the wind. It is always speaking.

Perhaps the worst action I have taken in at least five, even ten years occurred recently. This event marks perhaps the lowest point I have reached in my life in memory. Actions we take can either be positive or negative. This negative action was certainly the ugliest I have ever done with these human hands. Even though the action I took occurs daily all around us and may even be considered to be nothing special by others, that does not justify or make acceptable my ugly behavior.

We got back from a three day California desert and mountain driving trip. After arrived home, I was overtired from hours upon hours of driving coupled with poor sleep during our hotel nights. I was increasingly acting impulsive as the vacation days elapsed.

I went into the backyard to eat sushi. Boo, our siamese cat tried to sneak out – not run out, but sneak out. “Sneaking” I consider a disrespectful act opposed to impulsively running out to chase a bug. “Sneaking” shows admission of guilt. I warned him by stomping on the ground. He ran back inside the house. Being tired, I totally forgot to close the sliding glass door. Instead, I left it open, continued to eat sushi and that cat repeated his attempt to sneak out of the yard – this time succeeding. I spotted him out in the common ground area. Since the gate is locked, I left the yard by jumping over the fence and ran up to him heavily. He laid in a submissive posture as expected. But as I staired at him I grew increasingly angry. Feelings of aggression began to course through my blood. I grab him by his neck and brought him back toward the yard. I uttered “you jerk” and threw him over the five foot fence into the backyard with considerable force. The backyard is laid with stone – of which I momentarily forgot. I was thinking there was sand back there, as there was last year. Being angry when I threw him, I projected him incorrectly. The correct way would have been head first, right side up and straight, as I have tossed cats over the fence before, casually to get them back inside our property. This time being angry and clouded, I accidentally spun him instead and used more force then necessary. He covered ten feet. Due to the spin, he was unable to orient himself for a safe landing. Instead, he landed head first into the stone smashing his face. His upper, long canine broke off near the gum line as a result. There were other, trivial abrasions on his face as well.

Now this cat means the world to me. I sleep with him in my arms every night. Buy essentially, I spat on him in disrespect. Now will have a permanent reminder of my anger, loss of emotional control and my glarring disrespect towards such a good and noble creature.

There are several things wrong with what I did on psychological and spiritual levels.

I choose to not be around people who get angry with animals and abuse animals. Now, I have become one of those people I abhor.

This is a low point in my life and I am deeply ashamed of what I let myself do.
I never want anything like this to ever happen again. What do I need to do to reprogram my brain so I think of love instead of anger? What do I need to do to have a heart that always loving, not matter what happens?

I am deeply sadden by this event. This makes me question my ability to be a parent. This even has thrown me into a massive reflection into the status of my maturity. It seems I need to do a lot more growing.
What I did wrong:

• I became angry instead of being understanding.
• I treated the cat as if it were a human.
• Equally, I dropped my mentality to the level of a cat.
• I let the cat’s behavior affect me personally
• I did not control my emotions.
• I was irrational.

Yet i turn lemons into lemonade.

I took Boo to the Las Vegas dental expert who pointed out other, preexistent pathologies the cats mouth. He had two death teeth and reaborbtion lesions on two others. Those were taken care of. His mouth has been cleaned out, so to speak, and will end up having greater oral health than before this horrible incident.

After three weeks his breath smells a little better after some rotten teeth were removed. He still sleeps with me every night in my arms. He still loves me despite my fall.