Why We Have Crushes

When I look on you a moment,
then I can speak no more,
but my tongue falls silent,
and at once a delicate flame
courses beneath my skin,
and with my eyes I see nothing,
and my ears hum, and a wet sweat
bathes me and a trembling seizes me all over.

~Sappho

Fleeting, instant… a whirlwind of romantic emotion draws us toward someone. Little heart shaped bubbles float up from our chest. We feel butterflies in our stomachs. For a brief moment we feel connected and not alone in this sea of people till the crush subsides and a new one forms pulling us in another direction towards another beating pulse.

We all experiences crushes. They are strong, intense emotional feelings felt from generally a safe distance. Think of falling in love with a band member from the latest popular musical act, an upcoming actor, or perhaps someone closer like the piano teacher, the babysitter, or the milkman.

Why do we experience crushes? This is the question I will answer. How they form and how they work is pretty well understood biologically, such as through chemicals, but answering How it works does not answer Why in a Self Growth sense. The biological answer to Why as mating and breeding is not what I will talk about. Instead, I will focus on how you can learn to appreciate crushes and learn key points about yourself through them.

An emotional pull towards someone else signals a crush. It’s up to you how to act it out. If the only way you know how to connect to another person you experience strong, emotional feels towards is through sexual means, then that is how you will feel and express these emotions. It’s not the only way. Another way is simply friendship. A crush is a tool to learn. How you choose to express it is up to you. Learn from your crushes so you can grow from each one instead of shifting from one similar crush to another to another of the same. Move forward, not in circles.

Through this intense feeling comes an understanding of who we are – if we choose to see it. Through this crush we can learn a piece of ourselves reflected back at us like how our face does in the eyes of our lover under the moonlight. With this knowledge we can build character and take a step forward in self growth.

When someone comes along who has features parallel (knowingly or unknowingly) to your own there’s an instant desire to reach out of the loneliness, out of the mundane life and connect, touch, and share your life with theirs. It’s so very exciting to spot someone in the crowd who may understand your point of view, who “get’s” you, who can relate to your perspective and position in life. And so a crush develops, not to the person, but to a certain aspect of their personality or character. A crush grows like a weed in the logical, formal driveway of daily life not because of who that person is, but rather because your thoughts and your perceptions are validated in the mirror of their soul.

When you crush, you see a piece of who you are projected outside yourself reflecting back. It’s a lovely sight and the natural inclination is to reach out for it and pull it close to your heart. The funny thing is it’s already in you. You just don’t realize it or love it yet. Thus the magical moment when you see it walking outside your body and point and say “Oh My! I’m in love!” You are seeing yourself and for a good reason: it’s a piece you need to work on, love, and develop.

We all know these singular crushes are fleeting, transient whims which have no permanence. This is because the crush lasts only as long as you need the validation of that aspect of yourself. Sometimes meaningful two-way communication is bridged and a stronger, more real and tangible relationship is formed for both parties to use as a stronger self growth tool. Then other crushes disappear into the cloud from where they seemingly manifested from. A relationship of substance and one of sharing causes current whims, crushes and fancies to fade… for the time being till it’s time to learn something new again. (One can experience new crushes while maintaining a solid relationship.)

This attention seeked and an open ear sought is a but a tool to help you learn and appreciate yourself. When you crush you desire to touch outward a part of your inner self. This piece of you appears to be represented outside of yourself taking on the form of another person you barely know. The goal is to connect with that person. In doing so, you connect with yourself and come to appreciate this characteristic of yourself that you fail to see or love in your bathroom mirror.

Crushes help us grow.

Ever get to know a crush and quickly find out they are not at all what you thought they were? This reflection you chase is elusive hiding behind many walls. You erect defenses to protect yourself from your own prying eyes. When you find your crush is not a dream come true but a sterile, concrete wall, step back and realize this is your wall of resistance and you are hiding this peice you fancy from yourself behind it. When you meet your crush and find you took the wrong turn somewhere and misread them, realize it’s you who is leading yourself astray due to fear of being found. When you are afraid of loving yourself you will go stone cold with the crush out of fear. You can’t love another till you are ready to love yourself first. Remember, the chase to your inner self is on when you have a crush. Just relax and surrender and you will find the beauty of yourself through them in no time.